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Lori and I were preparing dinner one evening and Lori was going to make the salad. She took the head of lettuce out of the plastic bag and hit the core on the counter to remove it. This surprised me and I told her that. I told her not to do it that way, as removing the core would expose both ends of the head to air and accelerate spoilage. Lori just put down the lettuce and walked into the other room. I didn’t make anything of it and prepared the salad myself. Little did I know was that those few simple words were the words that “broke the camels back”.
Things went well for a while after that. We talked, had a couple of drinks and just passed the time until dinner was ready. When dinner was ready, we sat down and began eating. I’m not certain how it came up, but during dinner, I mentioned something about the “the lettuce incident” and that I thought she might be a tad upset. Lori’s response included, “it was only frigging lettuce!” Woops, my intuition immediately clued me in that something about “the lettuce incident” was not okay. We discussed it at the time and I thought we settled the matter, but then about two weeks ago, the subject came up again.
Lori and I were online chatting via Yahoo chat like we do every night we are not together. She commented that a few of you had asked about the “The Lettuce Incident” on my blog. She asked me what I was going to do. I told her I was going to post something about it. Something like "all I was thinking was that Lori was preparing the lettuce for the salad, and I didn’t like the way she was doing it, so I did it, but I was mistaken". This started a conversation that was quite awaking to me. The conversation went like this.
Note: I’m going to add some words that will be in parentheses to make the conversation more clear. I think that will make it easier for you to understand exactly what we were saying to each other.
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Lori: what are you going to say about the lettuce
Lori: you probably don’t know (what even happened)
Me: (I’m) just (going to say) what happened
Lori: how I walked out of the room and wouldn’t cut it (the lettuce) after you said I shouldn’t of smacked the core on the counter (to remove it)?
Lori: (and) how all the days’ prior you had made (critical) comments without realizing it?
Lori: something like when you asked me what I had learned (from you so far)
Lori: that I brought up the "lettuce incident" as almost the last straw"?
Lori: but I didn’t want to complain or whatever?
Lori: something like that?
(Holy crap I’m thinking! What in the world did I do?)
Me: I'm missing something
Me: I didn't know I was making (critical) comments before that
Lori: all week
Me: what did I say?
Lori: you know it
Lori: that’s why I walked out and wouldn’t cut it
Lori: I told you you had said things all week
(I still didn’t know all the things I said to upset her)
Me: what was I saying?
Lori: oh god
Lori: I would have to think back at each meal
Me: wait
Me: you mean I was criticizing you each time you helped me?
Lori: yup
Me: woops
Lori: I thought you knew
(I really didn’t or I would have stopped. I guess why I was never a teacher)
Me: I didn't mean to
Me: I think I just meant to tell you how I wanted things done
Me: not realized I was being critical
Me: now I get it
Me: sorry baby
Lori: well that’s why I didn’t say anything
Me: I'll be much more careful in the future
(Now I’m thinking, why didn’t Lori say something at the time instead of walking away?)
(Next, she told me some of the things I said that made her feel as if she couldn’t do anything right.)
Lori: I couldn’t even stack your dishwasher the way I wanted, or hand wash certain things without you telling me not to,
Lori: but its ok
Lori: you aren’t use to having me or anyone else but Barbara in your kitchen
Lori: I understand
Lori: and we worked it out
(Now I want to explain myself to her to see if I can make her understand that I’m not the ass I came off to be)
Me: see
Me: when she (Barbara) was cooking, I just took directions
Me: when I cooked, she really didn't say very much
Me: she knew how to leave me alone I guess
Me: allowed me to make my mistakes (that were no big deal) and just let it slide
Me: I guess that's because of her being a teacher and dealing with little kids (Barbara taught all levels of school for 34 years)
Me: I never had anyone help me (after she became very ill)
Me: I just did it the way I thought it should be done
Me: when she was around (before she became ill), I had my chores and she had hers
(Now I’m trying to make sure Lori understands I didn’t mean to criticize)
Me: I would never do it to be mean
Me: to you
Me: I was just being instructive in how I wanted things done
(It finally dawns on me after all these years that I seem to do this a lot and never even realized)
Me: no wonder my son yells at me sometimes when we do thing together
Me: he (really) does too
Me: he sometimes snaps at me “to just let him do it!”
Me: I just have to learn I guess
Me: bear with me k?
Lori: yup, its over with. But I didn’t take it as instructional, you did make me feel like I couldn’t do anything right. But I know that wasn’t your intent. But I don’t know what your gonna write in a post cuz they really think its going to be something funny
(Wow, I really blew it and never even knew it. I wish she had told me right away about this, so it didn’t fester inside her all week and turn into a big deal. We talked about that and agreed we would both try to do that in the future.)
Me: again, I'm sorry
Lori: no don’t be sorry,
(Okay folks, here is the moral to the story)
Lori: its just another misunderstanding
Lori: you were saying things one way and I was taking it as another............hmmmmm maybe you could write about that and how a little
Lori: "lettuce incident" could have become a big problem
Lori: had we not talked about it
Lori: and how important communication is
Lori: and we learned something
Lori: and they might learn something too
Lori: and now we have a better understanding of each other, and we will compromise and talk, cuz we love each other
Lori: and things really did work out ok, and we had a great week
(Oh man! Was I relieved she felt like this)
Me: good idea
Me: I'll put something together and we can go back and forth with it until we both like it then I'll post it
Lori: k
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In closing, I found out that when people want to discuss things that are on your mind, discussing them on Yahoo chat, or any other chat for that matter, is a great way to do it. I think sometimes it’s better not to have that face-to-face confrontation. This allows you both a chance to say what you want to say without the other person interrupting, which inevitably come when people are discussing matters such as "the lettuce incident" with each other.
