More Medical Chart Notes

This is my second post of medical chart notes. The first one can be found here.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

29. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Christmas Tree HNT

As per the instructions of Os, Mr. HNT himself, this week I'm supposed to show you a picture of me with my Christmas tree. Since I am a master procrastinator, I haven't taken it out of the box yet. Therefore, I'm doing the next best thing and showing you a picture of me and box with the tree still safely packed inside.

I even wore my shiny, silver Michael Jackson socks for this special occasion.

How Not To Repair A Leaky Shower Faucet

Note: Read part one of this saga here before reading this post.

1. Accurately measure from the wall to the center of the shower faucets.
*I got 14 inches (No, not there you horn dog!)
2. Check on the other side of that same wall to see if you can get to the desired location.
*I couldn’t because the desk was in the way. See yesterday’s post.
3. Make a path so you can get to the desired location.
*I hated this part, because it was too much like actual manual labor and I’m really pretty lazy.
4. Get out your trusty utility knife.



5. Start cutting out a section of the wall.



6. Using said utility knife, slice ones throat because this is difficult and one doesn’t feel like working so hard.



7. Decide that step 6 is a stupid idea, because you’d just have a bloody mess to clean up and get back to work.


8. Keep cutting.
*Nobody said this was going to be easy or go quickly.



9. Remove shirt because your now hot a sweaty and just keep cutting.



10. Don’t turn your back on a horn dog with the camera that likes your plumber’s crack.



11. Because she’ll take a lot of pictures of said plumber’s crack.



12. I hope your enjoying this.



13. I know Lori did, because she loves the way my ass looks.


14. SUCCESS!
*Don’t get too excited yet. What about the leak?



15. Now turn on the hot water.
16. Visually inspect plumbing to locate leak.



17. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT LEAKING!
*Your right, I don’t see any water either.



19. How about down there?
*Nope, not there either.



20. Go back down stairs and see if any water is coming down from the ceiling in the basement.
*Nope, nothing.



21. HOLY CRAP, ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING!
*I SWEAR THERE WAS A REALLY BAD LEAK YESTERDAY. See yesterday’s post for the reason I went through all this.

22. No sense getting all worked up over this, just relax and be grateful you don’t have to work on the pipes and make a gin & tonic.
*Crap, out of lime juice!



24. Add lime juice to the shopping list.
23. Drink your gin & tonic then hang out and wait to see if it leaks again.
*Because you know someday it will.

Sorry I’m Late, ……..

…… but one tends to get lazy when one is retired and pretty much fuck off as much as one want. Hell, I even bought tons of extra underwear so I didn’t have to wash clothes that much. But since I'm even out of that, and all the bath towels are dirty, I guess I'd better do some laundry. What do you think?


Anyway, the weekend started early. Friday Lori took off at noon and we spent the rest of the day shopping. We stopped at Red Lobster about 1:30 for lunch and a Bahama Mama. Then on to the big mall to get a few things Lori knew she could get there. I bought a couple of things too. We found a fiber optics Christmas tree for my place at Walmarts. Last year I avoided all the holiday’s and didn’t even put up a tree, but not this year. Life goes on.

When we got home, I went into the large bathroom to take care of business and noticed water was trickling out of the wall under the facets by the tub. It wasn’t a bad leak, but any leak coming out of a wall is bad. I went down stairs to the basement to see if I could tell where the water was coming from. I had removed a part of the ceiling in the basement under the tub once before and never repaired it, so it was still open, which made things easier to inspect. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I noticed there was a small stream of water running across the floor. It hadn’t started to puddle yet, so I figured the leak must have just started. I looked around and saw water coming down through the opening in the ceiling.


I couldn’t tell exactly where the water was coming from, but the water was hot. I knew nobody was in the shower, so that meant either a pipe joint was leaking or a pipe had burst. I turned off the hot water supply valve on the water heater and in a couple of minutes the leak stopped. It was getting late and since the leak stopped, I decided to try and find out what the problem was the next day. That evening I made a plan of attack.

I used to work for a plumber and have repaired a few busted pipes as part of that job, so I was going to attempt the repair myself. The first thing I had to do was open the wall to see what was leaking. I wasn’t going to remove the tiles on the wall in the bathroom, so that meant I had to open the wall on the opposite side in the den. Simple enough to cut a hole in the wall, but getting to that wall was another story.

First I had to move the computer desk away from the wall. But to move the desk, I had to move a table. But to do all that, I had to clear them off. That was what was going to be the hard part. I had almost 30 years of memories and precious keepsakes mostly useless crap covering every conceivable surface in the den. The den and the basement were the places we accumulated all of the things we needed to save were to lazy to get rid of .

Barbara liked a tidy house was a “neat freak” and as you may have figured out by now, I’m not too concerned about such things a slob. Think of us being like the Odd Couple. Her being Felix Unger and me being Oscar Madison. To prevent arguing listening to her bitch and moan about the messes I made, we made an agreement. I could “decorate” the den anyway I wanted leave it a mess, as long as there was a path to walk through it to the kitchen and to get to the linen closet, AND I helped her keep the rest of the house neat and clean, I agreed.

Every Saturday I helped Barbara clean the house and I cleaned up after myself each night. Since I hated giving up most of my Saturdays cleaning the house, pretty soon we hired a cleaning lady. I still cleaned up after myself, and we she did light cleaning each day, but every two weeks the cleaning lady came and did all the big stuff.

I got work on the den Saturday and managed to fill three 48 gallon trash bags with memories and precious keepsakes mostly useless crap and managed to move the desk out of the way. I put the table in the basement along with A LOT more memories and precious keepsakes mostly useless crap. Now it was time to open the wall.

This story is long enough so I’m going to stop here and finish it in another post. Yea, I know the suspense of what is going to happen next is killing you, but I don't feel like typing anymore so your just going to have to wait.

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Want to See a Real Hippie?

Yes, this is me. This photo was taken in 1974 in the living room of my house in Lake Ronkonkoma, New York.

I had great hair then, didn't I? I always got my hair cut by men until one day around this time, a woman cut my hair. She ranted and raved over my hair and couldn't seem to stop touching it. I loved the touching and compliments, who wouldn't? That made me feel attractive for the first time in my life. From then on, I always had women cut my hair unless there was no choice. The chicks just seemed to dig it.

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Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday Y'all.

IMPORTANT MEDICAL BULLETIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

DISCLAIMER: This post has a few naughty words in it, so if you don't want to read them, go away. Keep in mind that it is also educational and about some of the heath benefits of sex, so it's your loss if you decide not to read it.

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Last week when I was sick and dying, and wasn't sleeping, running between the couch, my bed and the toilet, I was flicking around aimlessly through the TV channels like I always do. I happen to come across the Oprah show. I saw the guest was Dr. Oz and heard them talking about sex. This immediately caught my attention. So I stopped flicking aimlessly through the channels, turned up the volume on the TV and sat back to hear where this was going to lead.

You may not know this about me, but I am always interested in learning new things, especially if it has to do with sex.

Soon they got to a question and answer segment. They were getting people on the street to ask Dr. Oz questions. One young woman said that she had heard that having sex helped you loose weight and wanted to know if that included masturbation.

God knows I could stand to loose quite a bit of weight, so I kept listening.

The doctor said that yes, sex does help you loose weight, but no that doesn’t include masturbation.

Shit, I could have told her that, because I'd be one skinny SOB if masturbation helped you loose weight.

Dr. Oz went on to clarify his answer. He said that during the sex act itself, you only burn about 25 calories on the average. That is about the average number of calories in a half a slice of bread. Oprah chimed in about then to say that meant just "basic" intercourse and none of the more "active" varieties of sex like hanging from swings, doing pull ups while in the act and other kinky shit.

I concluded that meant the kinkier you are, the more calories you burn and the more weight you loose and faster. LORI! Hear that baby?

So, now you may be asking, how do you loose weight then if you’re not into kinky things? I mean, 25 calories isn't very much, now is it?

Glad you asked, or there wouldn't be any point to this post, now would there.

Dr. Oz told the viewers that what really helps you loose weight during sex, is that when you have sex, with someone special, basic intercourse or the kinky kind, your brain releases a chemical that makes you contented, happy, shit like that and in addition, it depresses your appetite.

Guess that's why I've lost about 10 pounds since I started seeing Lori.

I'm sure now your wondering if a one-night stand or just a little quickie in an elevator with a stranger helps you loose weight then? Sorry to say the answer to that is no. It seems that it's all about the closeness you feel when you have sex with someone special.

I know you perverts aren’t happy with this answer, but that's the way it is.

Dr. Oz said a bunch of other stuff, but then he said something that is very important and just may just be the key to motivating me to start to seriously try to loose weight.

Pay attention to this one!

He said that when a man is very over weight, his Mr. Winky gets enveloped in layers of fat and appears to be shorter than it really is. So if he looses weight, for every 35 pounds he looses, he gains one inch in the length of his Love Gun.

You hear that! One inch for every 35 pounds!

He said that the Joystick doesn't really get any longer, it just looks longer once all that fat is gone. That got me wondering what that would mean to the length of my johnson would be if I got down near my ideal weight.

The next day I was feeling better, so I got on the Internet and found a web site with charts and shit, that says I should weight something less than 170 pounds. So I got my calculator out and started figuring out how long my joy stick would be if I got back down to the weight I was supposed to be.

First I wanted to figure out how much weight I needed to loose.

1. “A” equals “MY WEIGHT NOW”
2. “B” equals “MY IDEAL WEIGHT”
3. So “A – B = C“, which equals “HOW MUCH WEIGHT I NEED TO LOOSE”

Then I wanted to see how much longer my fun gun would get if I did loose all that weight.

4. “D” = 35, because “ONE INCH INCREASE IN LENGTH OF THE LOVE MUSCLE FOR EVERY 35 POUNDS YOU LOOSE”
6. So ”C / D = E”, which equals “HOW MANY INCHES LONGER MY MEMBER COULD GET IF "BTExpress = B”.

In my case “E = 1.8285714 inches”.

Next I wanted to see how long my Pocket Rocket would be then.

7. “F” equals, in inches, “WHAT LORI GOT WHEN SHE MEASURED MY ERECT MANHOOD A WHILE BACK”
8. So “E + F = WFW”, which stands for “WHOO FUCKING WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hear that Lori? My Mr. Winky would be "WFW"!

Now if having a Ding-a-Ling that is “WHOO FUCKING WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” ain't motivation enough to loose weight, I don't know what is!

The Good News Is....................

.................... Eventually everything turned out okay and I got big coil of copper wire from an electric company repairman. The bad news is I had to sit in fear for 24-hours waiting to see if my house was going to burn down to get it.

Friday we finally got hit with the big storm the rest of the country was bearing the brunt of last week. We didn't get the ice and snow many places got, but we did get rain, but worst, the big winds. The wind gusts here were over 60 miles per hour. All day the wind kept getting worse and by evening, it was blowing pretty badly. I was thinking that the worst that would happen was we would loose power, but I never expected anything else.

About 9:00 pm, Lori and I were in our bathrobes, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie when we heard a very loud popping sound outside the dining room widow. We both jumped.

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

I jumped up off the couch, turned and looked out the window toward the direction of the popping noise. It happened again and we saw sparks shoot past the window. I ran over to the window and looked up in the direction the sparks came from. It happened again and this time I saw a large flash near somewhere up on toward the side of my house.

I turned to Lori and said something like, "HOLY SHIT! I THINK THE ELECTRIC SERVICE TO THE HOUSE IS BURNING UP!"

I ran into the bedroom and threw on my pants. I told Lori she better get dress in case we had to get out of the house quickly. Then I ran back out into the living room, got a jacket out of the closet and ran out into the front yard to get a better look at what was going on. I didn't have to wait long before I saw another flash and heard the popping noise. I ran over to my neighbors yard to get a better look to see exactly where the arcing was coming from.

A moment later it happened again and now I could see what was happening. Yes, the electrical service was shorting out. It was shorting about two feet from the house. My electricity hadn't gone out yet, so I knew it hadn't shorted completely YET, but I was sure it would at any moment.

I figured if that happened, the service would more than likely burn completely through dropping the live wire onto the roof of my car and at a minimum, burning the paint off the car wear ever it sparked. Then the wire would drop to the ground arcing until either the circuit breaker on the pole transformer tripped off, or the transformer exploded sending hot oil all over everything near by. None of these options was something I was looking forward to.

The arcing was less frequent now, so I jumped quickly into my car and backed it out of the driveway as fast as I could. I parked it in front of my house, but far away from the driveway and the pole the service came from.

I ran back into the house and told Lori to start shutting things off. I called the Power Company and got the typical recording. "We are having wide spread power outages across the Island. Press one for, blah, blah, blah, or two for emergencies for things like downed lines and dangerous situations."

I figured this qualified as and emergency, so I pressed two.

A real live person got on the phone and asked me what the emergency was. I babbled something like, My house service exploding, not wanting my house to burn down, a live wire could drop to the ground, etc, etc, etc".

Now WTF that has to do with anything was beyond me, but I asked her to get someone over here right away because I didn't want my house to burn down. She assured me they would get someone over here ASAP. I got off the phone and told Lori what the lady at LIPA told me.

One of us mentioned that the arcing seemed to have stopped. Then Lori said that it sounded like the wind had stopped. I looked outside and sure enough, it had practically died down to nothing. I guess since the wind stopped, the wire stopped moving around and so it stopped shorting out. I had no idea why it stopped nor why we still had electricity, but was grateful that was what happened.

Now the wait began for the LIPA Calvary to arrive and fix my electrical service.

About an hour goes by and nobody shows up, so i call back LIPA. I speak to another lady and ask her to check and make sure I am on the list for potential catastrophes. She assures me that I am, but that it will be awhile before they could get to me. They have to all the outages repaired before they get to me. I give her a lot of "what ifs". You know like if the live power line drops to the ground or my house catches fire. She tells me, "If there anything changes call back. If you see flames, call your fire department."

That was so ludicrous that I had to laugh. But WTF was I going to do? Yelling at her wasn't going to do any good, so I just went back to waiting. And wait we did. We waited until about 8:30 the next night, about 24 hours, before someone came.

I had just finished making dinner and Lori and I were sitting down to eat when I heard a knock on the front door. I answered the door and it was a LIPA repairman. I went outside and explained what had happened.

He got a ladder of the truck, put it next to the house and climbed up to check the electrical service. At first he couldn't see what happened, but said that the insulation was old and brittle and had come off the wire in numerous places. He then saw where the service shorted and said he was going to change it and that we would be without power for about an hour.

I went back inside to eat dinner while we waited for him to do the repair. It would have been romantic eating by the light of my oil lamp, but tension I had been feeling for the last 24 hours made it difficult to think about romance right then.

Ten minutes later the lights went out and about ten minutes after that we finished eating. We waited to clean up and when right outside to watch the repairman finish up. When the lights came back on, Lori went back in the house while I waited for him to finish.

The repairman finished up pretty quickly. The power was only out for about 1/2 hour total. When he came down off the ladder, he showed me the service wire. It was just like he said it was, old and brittle and the insulation had come off in numerous places. Then he showed me where it had arced. All the strands one one leg had burned through except for one.


Here's my brand new electrical service.


Other than that, let's see..................

Today is Lori and my 9-Month Anniversary. Happy Anniversary baby! Lori stalked me from when she first saw my cute smiling face on my MySpace web page in November, until I asked her out and took her to the movies for out first date on March 4, 2006.

This weekend Lori and I had a great time together. Well, except for the electrical malfunction We went shopping, bought some stuff, I cooked, she cleaned up and we snuggled a lot. Saturday night we even tied our record for number of times snuggling. We were as naughty as always, maybe even more. I woke her up a little before 6:00 this morning for a quick snuggle before she had to get up at 7:30 for work. I hope she's not too tired today.